On My Own, But Not Alone

A couple of weeks ago I had one of the most uplifting firsthand experiences that I have ever had. Like Elder Holland's talk, "The Ministry of Angels", someone performed a Christlike deed that I will never forget. I will always think of this guy as, not only my brother, but an angel to me.

One Monday morning in my folk dance class my friend was holding my hand after we had done a dance and one of the other girls told us we could let go because we won’t be doing the dance for a bit so she let go and said, “Maybe I wanted to hold Ashley’s hand.” Then I sarcastically replied, “Yeah! And you’re the only one!” Everyone laughed, but little did they know I wasn’t being sarcastic. I had been struggling that week with stress and what not, I felt so alone and like no one cared or even noticed me. I felt like all my hard work of trying to be good as a dancer and as a person wasn’t paying off. It was kind of selfish of me, really.

Then came my modern class to prove me wrong. I was in the back corner practicing some combinations and trying to keep my emotions together. Bless her heart, Emily knew I was struggling with some stress and came over and gave me a hug to cheer me up but that actually made it all come out! I was slightly embarrassed as class started hardly 30 seconds after that. She helped me up, with my face in my hands and I walked over to the side of the room as Pat (the teacher) explained that we're just going to warm up with walks across the floor. I didn't make eye contact with anyone. I tried to pretend that no one was there and I tried SOOO hard to pull myself back together. When suddenly I felt a strong yet gentle hand slip into mine and a slight whisper, "It's ok." With bloodshot eyes, I looked up and saw Cody. He didn't even look at me at first. He just simply helped me over to the line and danced with me, hand in hand, across the floor, squeezing my hand to let me know that he was there for me and not going to leave me. Then after a few minutes he looked at me and said, "Now I want you to beat me over there, travel so far across the floor that you beat me!" and he slowly released his hand from mine but I could still feel him there beside me, dancing along with me. I may have been on my own, but I wasn't alone.

(Later Cody came over to talk to me and give me some words of comfort. He explained how he was having a not so good day, either and told me some of the things he's been going through, which I feel are far more than the little things I deal with. He told me about Kolob time and how he thinks about that whenever he's feeling down... a lot like what Elder L. Whitney Clayton said in Saturday morning's General Conference a few weeks ago that in heaven's perspective our burdens last but a small moment.)

From this experience I learned that somebody does want to hold my hand. Somebody does notice me. And that somebody is not only Cody but Jesus Christ, our Savior. When we are struggling and feel like we have many burdens to carry, Jesus Christ is there. If we have our hand ready he will guide us through the hardest trials and tribulations for he has suffered many more than us. Then when he feels he has lead us a good deal of the way he may slowly release his hand from ours, but he won't leave us, he will never leave us! He will always be right there dancing beside us, ready to catch us if we fall. He may let us off on our own, but he won't leave us alone.

I know Heavenly Father knew I was struggling a few Monday's ago. Cody was an instrument in God's hands, sent that day, as an earthly angel, to take my hand, comfort and guide me to a state of peace. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and all the blessings that I have received in my life from it. I have the greatest friends and I know I take them for granted more often than I should. I love them all!!! :D

Do you see me waving... I was so close...

I couldn't sleep last night. Thoughts of dance, Jeremy, school, So You Think You Can Dance, etc., were all running through my head and I couldn't get it to stop. My mind and body are very similiar in that way. Neither of them can stay still, have to be moving... dancing. Anyways, so I texted one of my FHE brother's from last year, and good friend, Andy. He told me to do him a big favor and look at the moon, so I opened my blinds, did as he said, and texted him back. He then said, "We're looking at the same thing at the same time, in fact, if you look at it, it should be close to the south west right now for you. If you look about 73 degrees to your right, you'd be looking at me... Do you see me waving!?" :) So cute. Oh the little things in life! And it's crazy how something so far away can make you feel so close to someone miles away. [Andy is going to be a great missionary in Germany (he goes into the MTC in October) and I hope some girls really open their eyes when he gets back because he really is a great catch... just easy for girls to miss :/]

Shortly after that I was finally able to get to sleep. But it was still hard for me to get certain things off of my mind. Things that have been on my mind for a few weeks, and have been eating me up inside...

(from my thought journal June 26, 2009)
[I was so close. I had one more step to take on the ladder and I was there. All the dreams I had ever dreamed of were to begin to fall into place and become a reality. The only thing is I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t aware. I didn’t notice the very important sign on the significant rung. The sign that told me the directions on how to step on this rung and continue upward. And, therefore, I just stepped. The rung broke. I fell. I fell hard. I went quite a ways down and desperately started to climb back up. I was doing well with the challenging climb back up to the broken rung when suddenly I lost it, my thoughts got in the way, and I lost focus. I tripped and it ruined me. Now I must climb back up and carefully mend each rung on the way… all on my own.
　
My dreams have always seemed so out of reach. But last weekend they were closer than they have ever been (and possibly ever will be). I’ve been stretching and reaching for this dream for a while now and it was within reaching distance. All I had to do was reach out and grab it. But that didn’t seem to work for me. I suddenly became lazy and forgot about reaching for it. I wanted it closer before I put my arm out. I wouldn’t have even had to straighten my arm all the way to grab it! But instead I decided to take another step before I stuck my hand out there. Maybe I didn’t realize how close it was, maybe I thought I was dreaming. I don’t know what I was thinking but I took that step, the rung broke, and I fell.

Life is about chance. You got to take the chance and reach for your dream when your close to it. Just jump out and reach. Take that chance.]

I could go on forever about this. I think I'm fine then I realize I haven't forgiven myself yet for how badly I blew it when it counted most. I normally am not a fan of Miley Cyrus but her lyrics for The Climb are perfect for this!!

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin' but
There's a voice inside my head sayin'
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shakin'
But IGotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facin'
The chances I'm takin'
Sometimes might knock me down but
No, I'm not breakin'
And I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin' and I
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushin' on 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Silly Girl, I am :P

So I'm really dumb and I just figured out how to get back on this thing! :) So maybe I will start actually using it now. I looked at my last post and there's definitely a lot that has happened since then.

I'm giving a talk in church on Sunday and the topic is on courage. Therefore, I have been thinking about courage a lot lately. There's a song that I found called Courage Is by The Strang Familiar. If you haven't heard it, then you should (http://www.actionext.com/names_t/the_strange_familiar_lyrics/courage_is.html).

From now on hopefully my posts will be more thoughful. So get ready. :)

New Beginnings

So here I am. So close to Jeremy, closer than I am used to. And yet I'm farther from him than I am used to, at the same time. It's been 2 weeks and one day... and I still haven't gotten a letter. But it's understandable since I wasn't at home for very long when he was in the MTC and I've just been able to check my mail at my dorm at BYU yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow! I can't wait to hear from him! I'm pretty much obsessed with it!

I haven't stayed in my dorm yet. I'm partly excited to and then again I'm not. It's definitely not as nice as I'm used to. But I'm ready to be on my own. I didn't think so at first. I love my mom and I'm going to miss her... however, these past few days she hasn't left my side once and I'm ready to do some stuff on my own! :) I do understand why she doesn't want me to leave her side until she goes, I'm just that cool, ya know? Who doesn't want me to be with them 24/7? haha jk But yeah... I'm staying by her side for her benefit because I know that's what she wants. I guess it's my present for her... not complaining about how she doesn't want me to go off with friends and what not. Not like I have many here, but that's sorta the point, I guess.

I'm not really worried about meeting new friends, though. My social life is definitely not first priority right now. I mean I do want one, definitely, but other things are more important to me right now. I really wanna finish school August 2o10, which is possible. I'm sure you can figure out why... Jeremy comes back August 2010!! :)

Oh man! I cannot wait for school to start... to start dancing again... and to get a job! I wanna be busy busy busy!!! And then it will be no time for Jeremy to come back!!! :D

Leaving the Anti-Ashley Bubble of Monroe

So this would be my second post and it's been like, what, 2 months? lol A lot has happened in those 2 months... I missed Jeremy then, I miss him more now. He reported into the MTC on the 13th, but the last time I saw him was the 10th (I was lucky I did, too)... he did text me in the morning on the 12th before he left for the airport. Sad time... but exciting, as well! I'm so excited for him!! :)

I'm also excited for myself right now. I'm leaving today to go to Dallas, then Colorado, then Utah! Fun stuff, fun stuff. And I won't be coming back! I'm so glad to get out of this place! I feel like Monroe has been an anti-Ashley bubble! Goodness, not much went right this past year. Hopefully that will change starting now, though!

Hey, I can dance again! I did yesterday, not well, I may add... I have a lot to work on :/ But it will be so worth it!

I can't believe the time has actually come for me to leave! This is crazy... crazy awesome, though! Not looking for the car ride, however............................................ or not being able to text Jeremy this time...........................................

My First Blog Post

This is my first blog post, in case you didn't notice. I'm not sure why I decided to start a blog. Maybe because my summer has been EXTREMELY boring and this gives me something to do. And a place to vent. I'm sure there won't really be anyone who reads this, and that is fine. That's probably a good thing, in fact, because I'm sure I'll reveal somethings about myself that some people would be shocked to read, maybe... I don't really know. Most people don't really know me. Don't know me well, at least. Only a select few know the real Ashley Jeanette.

Looks like I've said enough for the day. But before I end there are a couple things that I want to mention:

1. I miss dancing so much! Dancing is my life, without it I wouldn't be Ashley Jeanette.

2. I miss Jeremy Luke McCullough very very very very much! I love him to death... and I could go on but I'll just end it there for now.