On My Own, But Not Alone

A couple of weeks ago I had one of the most uplifting firsthand experiences that I have ever had. Like Elder Holland's talk, "The Ministry of Angels", someone performed a Christlike deed that I will never forget. I will always think of this guy as, not only my brother, but an angel to me.

One Monday morning in my folk dance class my friend was holding my hand after we had done a dance and one of the other girls told us we could let go because we won’t be doing the dance for a bit so she let go and said, “Maybe I wanted to hold Ashley’s hand.” Then I sarcastically replied, “Yeah! And you’re the only one!” Everyone laughed, but little did they know I wasn’t being sarcastic. I had been struggling that week with stress and what not, I felt so alone and like no one cared or even noticed me. I felt like all my hard work of trying to be good as a dancer and as a person wasn’t paying off. It was kind of selfish of me, really.

Then came my modern class to prove me wrong. I was in the back corner practicing some combinations and trying to keep my emotions together. Bless her heart, Emily knew I was struggling with some stress and came over and gave me a hug to cheer me up but that actually made it all come out! I was slightly embarrassed as class started hardly 30 seconds after that. She helped me up, with my face in my hands and I walked over to the side of the room as Pat (the teacher) explained that we're just going to warm up with walks across the floor. I didn't make eye contact with anyone. I tried to pretend that no one was there and I tried SOOO hard to pull myself back together. When suddenly I felt a strong yet gentle hand slip into mine and a slight whisper, "It's ok." With bloodshot eyes, I looked up and saw Cody. He didn't even look at me at first. He just simply helped me over to the line and danced with me, hand in hand, across the floor, squeezing my hand to let me know that he was there for me and not going to leave me. Then after a few minutes he looked at me and said, "Now I want you to beat me over there, travel so far across the floor that you beat me!" and he slowly released his hand from mine but I could still feel him there beside me, dancing along with me. I may have been on my own, but I wasn't alone.

(Later Cody came over to talk to me and give me some words of comfort. He explained how he was having a not so good day, either and told me some of the things he's been going through, which I feel are far more than the little things I deal with. He told me about Kolob time and how he thinks about that whenever he's feeling down... a lot like what Elder L. Whitney Clayton said in Saturday morning's General Conference a few weeks ago that in heaven's perspective our burdens last but a small moment.)

From this experience I learned that somebody does want to hold my hand. Somebody does notice me. And that somebody is not only Cody but Jesus Christ, our Savior. When we are struggling and feel like we have many burdens to carry, Jesus Christ is there. If we have our hand ready he will guide us through the hardest trials and tribulations for he has suffered many more than us. Then when he feels he has lead us a good deal of the way he may slowly release his hand from ours, but he won't leave us, he will never leave us! He will always be right there dancing beside us, ready to catch us if we fall. He may let us off on our own, but he won't leave us alone.

I know Heavenly Father knew I was struggling a few Monday's ago. Cody was an instrument in God's hands, sent that day, as an earthly angel, to take my hand, comfort and guide me to a state of peace. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and all the blessings that I have received in my life from it. I have the greatest friends and I know I take them for granted more often than I should. I love them all!!! :D

Do you see me waving... I was so close...

I couldn't sleep last night. Thoughts of dance, Jeremy, school, So You Think You Can Dance, etc., were all running through my head and I couldn't get it to stop. My mind and body are very similiar in that way. Neither of them can stay still, have to be moving... dancing. Anyways, so I texted one of my FHE brother's from last year, and good friend, Andy. He told me to do him a big favor and look at the moon, so I opened my blinds, did as he said, and texted him back. He then said, "We're looking at the same thing at the same time, in fact, if you look at it, it should be close to the south west right now for you. If you look about 73 degrees to your right, you'd be looking at me... Do you see me waving!?" :) So cute. Oh the little things in life! And it's crazy how something so far away can make you feel so close to someone miles away. [Andy is going to be a great missionary in Germany (he goes into the MTC in October) and I hope some girls really open their eyes when he gets back because he really is a great catch... just easy for girls to miss :/]

Shortly after that I was finally able to get to sleep. But it was still hard for me to get certain things off of my mind. Things that have been on my mind for a few weeks, and have been eating me up inside...

(from my thought journal June 26, 2009)
[I was so close. I had one more step to take on the ladder and I was there. All the dreams I had ever dreamed of were to begin to fall into place and become a reality. The only thing is I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t aware. I didn’t notice the very important sign on the significant rung. The sign that told me the directions on how to step on this rung and continue upward. And, therefore, I just stepped. The rung broke. I fell. I fell hard. I went quite a ways down and desperately started to climb back up. I was doing well with the challenging climb back up to the broken rung when suddenly I lost it, my thoughts got in the way, and I lost focus. I tripped and it ruined me. Now I must climb back up and carefully mend each rung on the way… all on my own.
　
My dreams have always seemed so out of reach. But last weekend they were closer than they have ever been (and possibly ever will be). I’ve been stretching and reaching for this dream for a while now and it was within reaching distance. All I had to do was reach out and grab it. But that didn’t seem to work for me. I suddenly became lazy and forgot about reaching for it. I wanted it closer before I put my arm out. I wouldn’t have even had to straighten my arm all the way to grab it! But instead I decided to take another step before I stuck my hand out there. Maybe I didn’t realize how close it was, maybe I thought I was dreaming. I don’t know what I was thinking but I took that step, the rung broke, and I fell.

Life is about chance. You got to take the chance and reach for your dream when your close to it. Just jump out and reach. Take that chance.]

I could go on forever about this. I think I'm fine then I realize I haven't forgiven myself yet for how badly I blew it when it counted most. I normally am not a fan of Miley Cyrus but her lyrics for The Climb are perfect for this!!

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin' but
There's a voice inside my head sayin'
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shakin'
But IGotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facin'
The chances I'm takin'
Sometimes might knock me down but
No, I'm not breakin'
And I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin' and I
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushin' on 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

Silly Girl, I am :P

So I'm really dumb and I just figured out how to get back on this thing! :) So maybe I will start actually using it now. I looked at my last post and there's definitely a lot that has happened since then.

I'm giving a talk in church on Sunday and the topic is on courage. Therefore, I have been thinking about courage a lot lately. There's a song that I found called Courage Is by The Strang Familiar. If you haven't heard it, then you should (http://www.actionext.com/names_t/the_strange_familiar_lyrics/courage_is.html).

From now on hopefully my posts will be more thoughful. So get ready. :)