Thursday, July 9, 2009

Do you see me waving... I was so close...

I couldn't sleep last night. Thoughts of dance, Jeremy, school, So You Think You Can Dance, etc., were all running through my head and I couldn't get it to stop. My mind and body are very similiar in that way. Neither of them can stay still, have to be moving... dancing. Anyways, so I texted one of my FHE brother's from last year, and good friend, Andy. He told me to do him a big favor and look at the moon, so I opened my blinds, did as he said, and texted him back. He then said, "We're looking at the same thing at the same time, in fact, if you look at it, it should be close to the south west right now for you. If you look about 73 degrees to your right, you'd be looking at me... Do you see me waving!?" :) So cute. Oh the little things in life! And it's crazy how something so far away can make you feel so close to someone miles away. [Andy is going to be a great missionary in Germany (he goes into the MTC in October) and I hope some girls really open their eyes when he gets back because he really is a great catch... just easy for girls to miss :/]

Shortly after that I was finally able to get to sleep. But it was still hard for me to get certain things off of my mind. Things that have been on my mind for a few weeks, and have been eating me up inside...

(from my thought journal June 26, 2009)
[I was so close. I had one more step to take on the ladder and I was there. All the dreams I had ever dreamed of were to begin to fall into place and become a reality. The only thing is I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t aware. I didn’t notice the very important sign on the significant rung. The sign that told me the directions on how to step on this rung and continue upward. And, therefore, I just stepped. The rung broke. I fell. I fell hard. I went quite a ways down and desperately started to climb back up. I was doing well with the challenging climb back up to the broken rung when suddenly I lost it, my thoughts got in the way, and I lost focus. I tripped and it ruined me. Now I must climb back up and carefully mend each rung on the way… all on my own.
My dreams have always seemed so out of reach. But last weekend they were closer than they have ever been (and possibly ever will be). I’ve been stretching and reaching for this dream for a while now and it was within reaching distance. All I had to do was reach out and grab it. But that didn’t seem to work for me. I suddenly became lazy and forgot about reaching for it. I wanted it closer before I put my arm out. I wouldn’t have even had to straighten my arm all the way to grab it! But instead I decided to take another step before I stuck my hand out there. Maybe I didn’t realize how close it was, maybe I thought I was dreaming. I don’t know what I was thinking but I took that step, the rung broke, and I fell.

Life is about chance. You got to take the chance and reach for your dream when your close to it. Just jump out and reach. Take that chance.]

I could go on forever about this. I think I'm fine then I realize I haven't forgiven myself yet for how badly I blew it when it counted most. I normally am not a fan of Miley Cyrus but her lyrics for The Climb are perfect for this!!

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin' but
There's a voice inside my head sayin'
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shakin'
But IGotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facin'
The chances I'm takin'
Sometimes might knock me down but
No, I'm not breakin'
And I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin' and I
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushin' on 'cause

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb


david said...

Oh, Tiny Dancer... You've done something most people are afraid to do. Rather than beating yourself up over not achieving your ultimate goal, you should be glad that you tried and set your sights on the next time instead of focusing on what has already happened.

jessie kay said...

Oh my dear Ashley.. I have no doubt whatsoever that life holds so many amazing things in store for you.. and in the very near future. I can't wait to live with you this school year and see Gods amazing hand in your life. You never cease to amaze me! I LOVE you!!
~Jessie Kay